tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central March 23, 2017 2:00am-2:31am PDT
the markets can be new york life on the other hand is as consistent as my free throw shooting. they've paid a dividend to participating policy owners every year since 1854. it may not be sexy, but it works. be good at life. new york life. my quest for hydration thawas finally over.hydrowash, was it a mistake to use my only water to take a shower in a place devoid of all water? only the sands of time can be the judge of that. old spice theme playing in background. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: here tyour moment of zen. >> no one remembers who john hancock was. but they know that that's his signature. because he wrote his name so bigley-- big and boldly. >> you just said bigley ( laughter ) ored by
comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: 29 minutes until midnight am i will tell you an incredible story, the story of how i met your moth e tomorrow the house will vote to repeal obamacare so if you are thinking about getting a life threateddening illness to bankrupt you and your family, today's the day! republicans need 216 votes and only have a margin of error of 21 vote swiss much smaller than 3 million vote margin of error error they needed to win the election that is why steve bannon said donald trump to convince republican task take health insurance away from millions of people. also to golf and time permitting a void his third wife. now back in moredor dc house speakers and sociopathic micky mouse member paul ryan has been leading the effort and enticing efforts to the new health bill to attract more republican votes
because of thought of kicking 13 million 350e78 off health isn't doing it for him what amendments can they add to the american health care ak to make it more attractive to republicans. >> health care is free to anyone who agrees to be a slave. >> chris: okay. all right. points for that. eugene. >> if you were a diagnosed with an std, all ryan pushes you out a window. >> chris: points. greg. >> some young boys in an airport rest room. >> chris: all right, points. (applause) with all the constant accusations of fake news it got us wondering where does it all come from. lazy reporting, for one. like this misleading headline from the right leaning news site heat street a publications that
sounds like a homeless porno magazine, chelsea clinton gets lifetime achievement award for doing nothing. instantly the sal a shuses headline was snarkily regurgitated dozens of times there is one problem, she is not getting a lifetime achievement award, she was getting a lifetime comma achievement award, an award from variety and lifetime the tv network otherwise known as the sob channel, come on, bloggers, you have one job, actually you probably have three jobs like mowing the lawn and selling confederate flag beer koozies on etsy because churning out news beeses or trucknuts.cu ck is not paying your brother's paint huffing habit. so i'm fascinated with the fact that life thyme has an achievement award. what are other things lifetime might give awards for. >> best crying in a shower with clothes on. >> chris: points. hari. >> the best middle-aged actress
in a lifetime movie because hollywood is sexist award. >> chris: all right, points. greg. >> the i can't believe it's the woman from home improve nment a movie award. >> chris: yeah, points, very good. very good. next up, two peas one pod. some things going to, peanut butter and jelly ngs cookies and milk or alex jones in all caps. justin bieber. i feel like he was just about to clie max. just trying to hasteen the end of it faster. >> i doubt he even needs his hands. >> chris: this week a popular photo was posted on reddit with the caption you complete me. was it it jake gyllenhaal whering assless chaps in the same color as her girlfriend booty shooters. >> two fells to make a full head
of hair and a guy drowning in a baby pool full of beer. >> i am going to say c, chris. >> chris: the agent is not c. >> then i will change my answer, chris. >> chris: you can't because this is the correct answer right here. oh, wow. i might be going a little older than the crowd but this feels like a puzzle from the game myst that you have to solve show. >> nice to see the name of the rose reunion. >> chris: oh my god, what a reference. sean connery, christian slater. next up, hangover drive, if you win too big on the first 09 of your vegas vacation why not seek out the hangover heaven bus a mobile medical clinic where you can get injections of antinausea medications from dr. jason burk, a guy who most definitely looks like he is kicked off a balcony
in every jean claude van damme movie. >> what is that horrible arm. >> chris: yeah, what, the star on the wrist tattoo doesn't tell the whole story here. this woman is in vegas, passed out in a bus getting an iv from this guy. i think, i hope that's-- is she okay. i hope she's okay. >> a fun stop. >> chris: i don't know. i think it's a great idea to get an injection in a bugs full of people who are about to puke. buses and intravenous drugs going to like county fair, port a potteddies and getting fingered by someone you met in the corn dog line. so comedians. >> wow. >> chris: was that a little personal for some of you? comedians if the hangover bus takes off what are or mobile services that could improve vegas vacations. greg? >> a mobile pool that like all pools in vegas is 40% water and like 60% std's. >> chris: points. mirman.
>> robert de niro would drive around in a tesla giving people back their diqs. >> chris: all right, points. >> i believe you dropped this. you left this at the-- wyndham. >> chris: what a great de niro impersonation. >> he probably-- hey, robert de niro, i couldn't help but notice your dick was on the ground. here you go. >> first i thought it was a corn dog. but there was no friks. >> chris: that would explain it. >> really? , really? >> chris: just thrown off because your jacket looks like you're a captain in a douglas adams novel. >> i am. call it a mid life crisis, call it what you will. >> chris: i like seeing mid life crisis proops. >> i don't do coke and i didn't buy a sports car so i figured [bleep] it.
>> chris: let's check the scoreboards with 400 points performing at the moore theater in seattle, eugene mirman. with 300 points performing at the punch line in sacramento march 23rd through 26, hari kondabolu. with 300 points porlk the smartest man in the world march 29th, greg proops. (applause). >> chris: yeah. and now it's time for the thing we call the hashtag wars. a good song is timelessk you know, but a bad song ages like a chain smocker in arizona. you have listened to great stuff by limp bizkit lately, of course not because cheese ages,
cheeseiness gets old and moldy. let's leave it in the past and move to better things, tonight's hashtag past tense songs, a little concept all. examples might be you woke me up and now you're gone gone, all right, see, past tense. past tense. and okay, okay, we started the fire. all right, that's another one. and 06 seconds, begin. hari. >> the world ended and everybody died but i feel fine. >> chris: all right, points. very good. greg proops. >> girls are done having fun. >> chris: points. hari. >> hot line blond rches. >> chris: mirman. >> the whreep bloop the police and now we're having twins. >> chris: points. >> i fought the law and i won on appeal. >> chris: points. hari. >> we built this city on rock 'n' roll and as a result four buildings collapsed killing over 600 people. >> chris: all right, points. very good. eugene.
>> november rained. >> chris: yes, points. proopss within purple puddle. >> chris: yes, points. hari hari. >> you didn't touch that. >> chris: points, very good. eugene. >> it was my party and i am still pretty upset. >> chris: all right, points. hari. >> born in the u.s.a. but trump still deported me. >> chris: all right, points. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." >> our tweet of the day from last night was sent to us
dom, your team... is about to go up against the only thing they can't handle... you. dom you're gonna have the whole world gunning for you, including me. ♪ three, two, one... i'm taking you down toretto. come and get it. this is crazy! you thought this was gonna be a street fight. dom! hang on to your ass! [ explosions ] rated pg-13. i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have...
this is how many people were born here. this many are fifth generation. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. he keeps the town dry. they'd prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this. >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." so this little pluga radio comedy jam premiered on comedy central tonight. i sang a bon jovi song with richie san borea. ♪ i am a a cowboy. ♪ dead or alive. ♪ (cheers and applause). >> chris: totally.
greg, why are you. >> i'm so proud of you, chris. >> chris: thanks, greg frk you missed it check it out any time on cc.com as well as this program there as well. so now it is time to play the more you grow. all right, grandpa and grandma gen exkses you will enjoy this game. the 19 '80s were heydays for celebrity psa's. so in case you are a millenial you may not remember this but there were these overly serious commercials where a tv personality would turn to the camera and say something like, did you know that as many as 14 americans are injured in belt sanding incidents anticipate year. if are you going to use a belt sander, don't be a tool, sand safely and and you can take that to the bank.
during the saturday morning cartoon line-up called one to grow on and they're [bleep] amazing. they are all on youtube and comediansk i will show you some vintage celebrity one to grow on spots compiled on youtube by elite guy and for 250 points you will answer a followup question. first up here is michael j fox warning you about the dangers of playing with fire. >> come on, matches can be fun 6789. >> what's so hot about playing with matches. (laughter). >> chris: what is your advice to these kids. greg. >> don't listen forty mcfly, matches are awesome. i use them to light my blu nt. >> chris: all right, points. next up, golden girl and american icon betty white has
tips for pluming emergencies. >> oh, get me out of here, there is water everywhere. >> who do i call, what do i do? >> don't panic. and keep numbers for the police and fire department by the phone. >> chris: it just said 911. so what might we hear on this 911 call call. >> eugene. >> hi, there is a little bit of water but everything is fine. >> chris: points. hari. >> why the hell are you getting pluming advice from betty white. >> chris: all right, points. next up, oh, here we go, guys, silver spoon star rickie schroeder saying he can handle the truth. >> oh yeah, a burglar did it, he was trying to steel and-- got away. >> uh-huh. >> when you're caught lying it is awful. and if you lie all the time, people won't pay attention to
what you say any more. why not tell the truth and face the music. >> chris: guys, my dick is like that wide jz. >> chris: maybe he is right. what is a lie you would like to get off your chest. >> mom and dad, i'm not a lawyer. >> chris: all right, points. greg. >> wayne brady doesn't make [bleep] >> chris: oh my gosh. finally, here's knight rider and bay batch's david hasselhoff with an important message about friendship. >> i can't talk to you now. >> your best friend, huh. >> i don't get it i didn't do anything. >> that's right, you didn't do anything. it has nothing to do with you. >> chris: she is just being a bitch is all.
(applause) what is your advice for these kids, greg. >> put some tiger balm on her iu d. >> chris: that is a very viseral reaction from the audience. >> you know, it is a little late to develop taste, don't you think, ladies and gentlemen? >> chris: points. eugene. >> i don't know, sounds like you have a drinking problem, kid. >> chris: points. very good. >> i think all these psa's have one thing in common, they're amazing. the world has changed a lot. a different set of challenges over the break i would like you to do an updated psa for modern kids. we're going to get your answers after the break, right back with more "@midnight." is
heineken tastes perfect every single time and that doesn't happen by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look. ♪ still practicing. it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. there's more behind the star. nobody does unlimited like t-mobile. while the other guys gouge for unlimited data... t-mobile one save you hundreds a year. right now get two lines of data for $100 dollars.
welcome back to "@midnight," before the break i showed you a series of one to grow on, celebrity psa or nbc eat morning line-up. i asked you to make me a modern kid's psa. let's see. >> hari, let's start with you hey, fellows, we all have urges to send pictures of our penis to stranger, but it can back fire, my suggestion, dress it up a bit. put on a little hat, worst-case scenario you can lie and say it's a finger puppet.
eugene. >> hey, kids, cyberbullying isn't cool. it hurts people's feelings. but it can feel pretty good. so i don't know, do whatever you think is right. >> all right. finally, greg proops. >> hey, kids, if you have been approached by the russians to do something remember, always say yes. unless it's a lot of money, then always say the seeba. they are fun to grow on. >> a thousand points to greg, 500 each to hari and eugene, to our next game. andromeda hits stores and continues to franchise exploring new alien worlds and holes, you can set up a wide range of
treaks terrestrials, for one player that seems to be most engaging to people, is this hot little number, jal. now a member of the an gara race and of course you want to [bleep] him. he is like 40% foreskin. comedians, to prepare for all the hot galactic sex i would like you to come up with pickup lines you what use on an alien in 60 seconds and begin. hari. >> et want dome. >> chris: points. eugene. >> my favorite movie is close encounters of the third base. >> points. >> hari. >> probe me like one of your french girls. >> points. >> chris. >> wine me, dine me, deep space nine me. >> points very, very good. >> eugene. >> did you sit in magnesium because your ass hole is delightfully metallic.
get your stinking paws on me you damn girty april. >> points you knee what, i'm not going eliminate anyone today because quite frankly, i worry what will happen to that jacket under a red light, little concerned. that means it is time to sok it to me, it's for the win. as i mentioned earlier in the show it is a trying time in american heal care as millions go uninsured and thousands face medical bankruptcy, congress is advancing legislation to further reduce coverage in exchange for upper-class tax cuts but on the bright side, now you can find a doctor using [bleep] emoji. yay. mashable is reporting on the new feature that lets users search for doctors by specialty, via these modern day hieroglyphics, for instance you can use the
heart head fire emoji to find a gas fro ent roll guest to treat heartburn. -- to find a penile enlargement because he went to school in the dom incan rom republic bsm if you this catches on, i would like you as a doctor to diagnose a patient using emoji. we will have our comedians answer and declare a winner when we come back on the "@midnight" we come back on the "@midnight" program.
try credit karma. it's free. alright. check out credit karma today. i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪ with delicious new optionsis even more tempting than ever, like savory caprese mozzarella chicken and creamy spinach & artichoke chicken cavatappi. enjoy two full-size entrées and an app for just $20.
only at applebee's. ... but only you can any turn heads in one.... you got something. own it and smell great with new axe you, unique masculine fragrance. >> welcome back to "@midnight." i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, weim. i will read the answer allow and you get to decide the winner, before the break i told you about the online service that lets you search doctors by specialty using emoji. i asked you as a doctor to diagnose a patient using emoji. let's see. first one well plrks president, i am a prayed-- you've got sweet potatoe sl add syndrome, turns out you are a creme lynn controlled carrot, only one cure, trial by fire.
number two. >> you will need surgery to remove the umbrella from your ass but i'm more worried about the crayon jammed up your pee hole. number three. >> will you need some pain killer because your dick was run over by a train. who was number one who was number one. gregory proops has won the internet. congratulations, greg is the funniest guy for the next 23 and a half hours. tomorrow night my bests brian redban, stefer knee beetdriz and sasheer zamata. keep the game going to become tomorrow's tweet of the day. be nice. to each other. god dam it.